Awwww….

I finished my last round of chemo three weeks go. I spent the first week at the doctors office every day. I needed IV potassium, magnesium, and blood. When I was there for the first two they found I had tachycardia. My resting heart rate was crazy fast. I had to go for another echocardiogram. Then I had to go to the cardiologist. I thought I was done, but they kept making come back. Craziness!

So, I have been out of the hospital for three weeks. I was really sick that first week. I’m physically feeling a lot better. Mentally not so much. With my anxiety it has always been important that I be around people. I need to be out of the house and around other people or I will slowly slip back into the madness.

At first I missed being around people, so I knew I was okay. Now I’m finding every excuse to not leave the house. I’m not okay. I have so many people I have to call about all this insurance and finaical stuff. Every time I think off making those calls I want to throw up or cry. I can feel the decline. I guess it is a good thing I have to go back to work sooner then I wanted to.

I did push myself to go get my car inspected today. I’m always proud when I meet a goal. Small steps. But I know I only went because the fear of getting a ticket was bigger then the fear of going out of the house. To me that is not progress. Being locked up in the house alone for too long is literally driving me crazy. This has happened before more then once. I know I need to get out.

My sister works from home and that sounds awesome. I would love that, but I would never do it. I know myself too well. I would end up in a Howard Hughes situation. I would never leave the house again. I would probably never talk to another human being again. If I let the anxiety take over I will lose myself.

Next week I will make one of those phone calls. That is my goal. Before next Friday I will have one of those phone calls off my list. I’m only doing one so I don’t overwhelm myself. Small steps and small goals. My pychologist when I was young used to tell me to set small goals. Small goals lead to one large goal.

Wish me luck with sleeping tonight. I’m going to try it with out the sleeping medication. I’m sure my anxiety will keep me up, but I have to stop taking all that stuff they gave me. Pain medication as well. I stopped that last week. I know that it was important for what I was going through, but someone who is bipolar can’t be on that stuff too long. I won’t fall into that black hole.

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