When a loner feels lonely…

I have always perferred to be alone. Even as a kid even though I had friends I perferred most of the time to play alone in my room. As much as I enjoy spending time with friends, and maybe even one or two of my family members I just enjoy my own company more.

The thing I look most forward to on weekends is not being around people. So, why have I felt so lonely since I started cancer treatment? There is the fact I’m not around people at all when I am home between hospital visits. Most of the time I have to so I don’t catch someones germs. I have always said I could never work from home no matter how much I would love that because I would never see people again. I need that soical interaction to stay sane and keep up my barley there soical skills.

I also think it is because I feel vunerable. I need the support of other people. I need my family and work family. I need to gossip with my girls. I had dinner with some friends from work and I had the best time catching up on the gossip. We had so fun just chatting and I felt so much better then I did earlier in the day. I almost cancelled because I was feeling tired and achy again. But when I got there and spent time with my friends I forgot that I felt like crap.

I went into the office last week twice. The first to visit the next to pick up paperwork. My face hurt from smilling so much. In the three years of working there I’m sure they have never seen me smiling so much. It was just so nice to be out of the house and to talk to someone that wasn’t my dogs.

I even gladly hung out all day with my oldest sister. That is normally something we all try to avoid. But I was so desperate for company I watched her unpack boxes and put up shelf paper.

Cancer has turned me into a social butterfly? No. I’m still akward and uncomfortable around other human beings, but I just don’t want to be alone all the time right now. Maybe it’s just me learning to lean on others for support. I’m sure as soon as all of this is over I will go back to making excuses to not hang out with people again.

Being in the hospital is the place and time I feel the most lonely. I see nurses and nursing assistants all day, but are they really counted as company? We talk and get to know each other. They are very caring. I have made “friends” with them. My Dad tries to visit everyday. My Mom does her best, but has a strangr work schedule. My sisters each came once. The first round of chemo two coworkers came by. My friend Sam who I have known for almost a 11 years came by each time. She even brought hers kids by to visit me at home. Her husband who I’ve known just as long came too. Even though there was a 4 year old and a newborn there it felt like we were in our early 20’s again. The three of us hanging out and talking. The only difference was they weren’t drunk and I wasn’t laughing my ass off at them.

People keep saying they want to visit me in the hospital and I will tell to come on by. To message me and I will give them the room number. It is mostly a thing you say I think, because they never do. It is also hard for people with work and kids. I get that they have a life and sometimes I think would I visit them. Maybe if we went as a group. I don’t like driving.

There have been times in my life I would find myself thinking I wished I had someone to hang out with when I was home alone. Sometimes I would even put in the effort to find someone to hang out with. Mostly my Mom and sister because all my friends are married with kids. But for the first time I’m really lonely. My friend who set up the dinner said she was surprised when I just came out and said it. She asked if there was anything she could do for me. I said spend time with I’m lonely. My boss said to call her when I know I can safely go out to lunch. I jumped at the chance.

Having social anxiety makes you a loner, but when things get really tough even a loner needs to have people around them. I never even realized how many friends I had until I stopped seeing them everyday. When I left work the other day I was thinking to myself how can such anti-social person have so many people that care about her. How did I not know that I made these friends? I got so comfortable there after 3 years that I was just being me and they liked that. Some people broke out in tears when they found out. They follow my Facebook updates religiously.

I guess I’m not really alone, but it sure does feel that way.

lonely

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