Emotional roller coaster…

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. It has been good news and now some bad news kind of a week. I guess that can be expected with cancer. It started off with my boss calling and telling me now that my FMLA is up I am losing my insurance with them. I panicked at first called the marketplace and got insurance temorarily. I will get my insurance back as soon as I go back to work. I was excited that the new plan was better then my old one.

More bad news the hospital were I’m being treated doesn’t have a contract with the plan. I will have to file myself. Then my PET scan results come back and my cancer is gone. The doctor said even though I am in remission I still have to finish all the rounds of chemo. That is great news!

The nurse tries to access my port and not only fails to do so she pokes it several times. Then another nurse tries and she misses. She puts saline under my skin. Ouch! They bring in the IV nurses to try they can’t find the access point since it is now swollen. They have to put an IV in my arm. I have horrible veins. That is why they gave me the port. Last time they tried to do anything through the veins in my arms they blew my veins. So, to say I was upset was an understatement. The whole time the nurse was putting it in I was crying. I don’t mean a tear and a sniff. I mean tears running down my face the whole time. I was biting my lip to keep from sobbing out loud. Then I got good news from the insurance lady at the hospital. They can fill out paperwork and send an apllication to my insurance so I can be seen here. She is 98% sure they will approve it since I am currently being treated and I had no other choice for insurance.

I was stressing all night about the port not working. There was no way I was letting them near my veins again. This morning the lab lady came in I said to my nurse is ‘she here to take blood from my arm’. They said yes and I said no. I told her I have one good vein and there is a IV in it right now. You can not get blood from any other vein. She asked can I at least look. No! I shut that down fast. After what I went through in November and then December at two different hospitals I was not going to even let her try.

When I was a kid I was terrified of needles because I got tested for stuff a lot. Which means blood tests. I have small veins that roll. I have this memory from when I was kid where the nurse kept trying to get blood and couldn’t. She stuck me so many times I was crying and screaming. I remember my Dad yelling at her to stop. My fear of needles had gotten better. As you most know a lot of the medications you take for bipolar disorder or any mental health issue you need to get regular bloodwork done. So I have to go get bloodwork done every three months. When I was a teenager my doctors office got this wonderful phlebotomist named Dixie. She was the first to get blood from me with out any problems.

I have one vein that she found always gave blood and didn’t move. She also used a butterfly needle. She told me if anyone other then her ever took my blood to tell them to use a butterfly needle and use that vein. My fear got better over the years. Once Dixie pointed out I was actually watching her do it and was calm as I could be. She said she was so proud of me.

I even volunteered at a local technical college for a phlebotomist student to do her practice stick on me. She even tried the left and missed the vein. I was calm and felt just fine. After everything that happened the last two months the idea of a needle coming anywhere near my arms or hands scares the Hell out of me. I will start crying. I can’t even help it. Everyone is like it’s alright take deep breathes. That makes me sob more.

My Dad texted me earlier today to check on me. He asked how I was doing. I said honestly I am depressed. For the first time since this all started I am depressed. After I found out my cancer is gone. All it took was them telling me they were going to have to put an IV in my arm. All these wonderful people I have gotten to know here at the hospital have been coming in to see me and to celebrate the good news. And I’m acting like a sad sack. I’m like freaking Eyore. I feel bad, but I just can’t bring myself to be more joyful.

The good news is that my oncologist nurse was following my chart from the cancer center next door. She saw they were having problems with my port. She sent over Ms. Pat the queen of ports. She popped that needle right in and now I have started my third round of chemo.

All these highs and lows have made me emotionally exhausted.

butterfly needle

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