Things I don’t want to remember…

In my late twenties maybe early thirties memories would just pop into my mind from my teenage years. Something would come up and all of a sudden I would remember. “Where did that come from?” Also friends and family would tell me things I didn’t remember ever happening. I talked to my therapist about it and she said she thinks my mind hid things from me I couldn’t handle. I guess I kind of suppressed memories from the hardest time of my life.

A little bit of background info will help you understand. My parents first started noticing weird behaviors when I was a kid. Especially after we moved to North Carolina when I was turning eight. One thing my Mom said they thought was weird was I would go sit in my closet in the dark and cry.  I would stay in there for hours. Sometimes I would bring a pillow and my teddy bear. Not normal at all. My mother has depression and my Dad was trying to help her through it. He read up a lot about depression and he started to notice these things sounded a lot like what I was going through. When I was eleven he took me to our family doctor. She agreed with him that it was depression and my journey began.

I struggled for a few years to find the right doctors and the right medication. When I was fourteen I started seeing a new psychiatrist. I felt comfortable enough with her to really open up. I told her things I never told the other doctors. After a session one day she had me sit in the waiting room and talked to my Dad alone. They brought me in to tell me I am Bipolar. Everything changed. I was on the worst medication for that. We were looking at everything in a whole new way. I also had to confess to my parents I wasn’t sleeping at night.

The hormones of puberty and Bipolar disorder don’t mix well. Those times are the ones my mind is trying to hide from me. At that time I had started high school. I also had learning disabilities and social anxiety. Freshman year was so hard that I had a breakdown. I just couldn’t function. It was the start of a downward spiral from there. The next year or so I couldn’t leave the house with out my Dad. If I did I would have a panic attack. Sometimes even with him there. Once my parents were buying new cars and we were there too long. I had a panic attack. It’s fuzzy but I think my Dad drove me home and then went back to the dealership.

These memories that I seem to be missing or just getting back all come from that time in my life. The one that upset me the most is one I still don’t remember at all. My sister tends to make up her own stories. One day she told me the reason my parents home schooled me those last 3 years was because Mom was afraid I might turn out like my uncle. He had a really hard time at school as well. That and some other emotional issues he turned to drugs and overdosed on his youngest sons 1st birthday. I thought my sister was making shit up again, so I asked my Mom. My Mom said my sister is nuts. When she told me the real reason it freaked me out. She said I came home one day from school and told my parents a senior had put me in a trash can. (I’m only 4’9). I was so upset and they were too. So, with everything that I was already struggling with they thought it best to home school me. I DO NOT remember any of this. I have searched and searched my brain. Nothing! How could I forget something like that?!

The brain is a funny thing. I’ve heard of people suppressing traumatic memories, but high school because it sucked. Never. Why that stuff? I tried to kill myself at 15 or 16, but I remember that clearly. It sometimes worries me not knowing what my brain is trying to protect me from. Maybe it’s best I don’t remember. So far the things that have come back or I have been told I have dealt with just fine.  I’m stronger then I was back then. Maybe that’s why they are starting to come back now. I don’t know, but whatever comes back I’m ready to handle it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

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